Inspired by a remarkable letter written from a son to his father after attending a Quodoushka Sexuality Workshop. He attended by himself (with the blessing of his wife, who also attended a Q).
By Amara Charles
Lets say a father makes his son suffer. But the father doesn’t know he’s causing his son to suffer. He does not see how, nor understand why his son is suffering. So the father carries on doing the best he can.
The reality is that the father copes with his pain, but he has not looked into its root causes. He deals with his pain the way he learned to from his dad, and he passes the ball on to his son who then passes it onto his wife and family. Perhaps from a young age the grandfather mistreated the father. Even though the son wants things to change, the habits are deep.
Until somebody gets the game for what it is, the only thing that gets passed (usually veiled in numbness or angry outbursts) is resentment, And thus, the wheel of suffering spins from generation to generation.
Whenever you recognize that the root cause of suffering is always some form of withholding love, you pick up a light arrow of awareness. This moment of awareness, this pause of habit is priceless; it stops the cycle of suffering.
It’s quite liberating to realize, whoa, this is not ‘me’. I’ve just been acting the way I was taught, behaving the way I grew up. The instant you realize this, you sort of catch the habit by the tail. Then there is a gap, a pause, a chance to do something, anything different. What I enjoy about Taj’s letter is the way he seeks to untangle the original kink, and the way he knows the stuff with his Dad is somehow the key to liberating more passion and love with his wife.
So instead of creating a kinked loop of dark resentment covered in bland indifference, a new trajectory of compassion has begun. This is the key to liberating sexual, intimate love and compassion.
Using our defensive childhood coping strategies of withholding love never works. Withholding love only breeds the resentment that perpetuates suffering.
However, I do respect the tenacity of those early twisted- love -patterns we take from and pass on to our loved ones and I know they need constant attention. The glimpses of awareness we gain can be fragile and fleeting.
I especially know how those love kinks may return when we go home to visit families…
So to comb through the tangles and return to the natural flow of love, do this healing practice from Thich Nhat Hanh:
Breathing in, I see myself as a five-year-old child.
Breathing out, I smile to the five-year-old child still alive and present in me.
Breathing in, I see the five-year-old child in me as being fragile, vulnerable, wounded.
Breathing out, I embrace the five-year-old child in me with all my understanding and love.
May the generosity of your spirit lead you to break the chains of the past and may you have the energy to walk boldly on a path with heart.
In Beauty, Amara Charles
Next Quodoushka 1 workshop in January 30-Feb 2 2014. Phoenix
Amara Charles is the Author of Best Selling book.